Help out with a timeout

  • Published
  • By Chris McCann
  • JBER Public Affairs
JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, Alaska --  There are unspoken rules of the New York City subway system. Not making noise during the morning rush hour is a big one. Eating things - especially beyond granola bar or a cookie - is going to irritate your fellow riders. And definitely don't talk to strangers.

So when a shouting, kicking fight broke out between two subway passengers in April  2012 on the 6 train in Manhattan, everyone else in the car just awkwardly sat still.
It didn't take long for architect Charles Sonder to decide he'd had enough. He broke out some chips and gummy bears - acceptable subway fare - and stood between the fight participants, calmly chewing.

Nonplussed, they stopped shouting. Quiet returned. Within hours, Sonder's intervention, filmed by a fellow commuter, went viral. Hailed as 'Snackman,' he unwittingly showed people how to defuse a volatile situation with nothing more than potato chips.

Last year, Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson participated in the "Thanks For Asking" campaign to increase awareness of - and response to - domestic violence.

This year, Family Advocacy is taking the next step; the theme is "From Awareness to Action" - not just noticing physical signs of abuse, but intervening in abusive situations.

There are many reasons people don't get involved, said Daniel Francom, an outreach manager with the JBER Family Advocacy office.

It's awkward to insert yourself into someone else's emotional explosion. There's a possibility of violence. It's not your business. Maybe you've misread the situation entirely and they're rehearsing a scene for a play.

Fortunately, there are many ways to intervene - the "Three Ds."

You can distract, like Sonder, by walking into the fray, becoming a visual distraction. If it's at a party, for example, you could spill some of a drink on the aggressor. Turn the lights on (or off). If it's the couple next door, go ring the doorbell. If they quiet down, you can saunter away; if they answer, ask to borrow an egg. Either way, they're not fighting anymore.

There's also the direct approach - perhaps not for the faint of heart, but generally simple.That mom in the supermarket who is over the top in yelling at her kids? A calm suggestion to take a little break in the next aisle might be all it takes.

And if you're in a rush or you have your children with you, or the guy menacing the girl in the park looks like he could take on a welterweight bear, there's the option to delegate.

Whether it's calling the police, the charge-of-quarters noncommissioned officer, or asking a similarly burly individual nearby, delegating is a good option. 

"If you walk by, you're sending the signal that the behavior is OK," Francom said. "If more people step up, it shows it's not acceptable."

Just as a service member points out a dangling boot lace, spot corrections maintain the standard.

"I don't want my kid to to go out and get assaulted," said Diann Richardson, another outreach manager. "I would want people to step up and help."

She mentioned the video of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice assaulting his fiancée Janay Palmer, which went viral last month.

"In the video, when she's being dragged out of the elevator, there are all these people standing around - just standing. It takes several minutes for a woman to ask if she's okay."

Jennifer Frysz, also an outreach manager, brought up a recent case of a boy in Delhi who fell into a tiger cage at a zoo.

"Everyone was filming it. No one threw rocks at the tiger or called a zookeeper, and eventually the boy was killed. There is strength in numbers."

According to a study by the Centers for Disease Control, one in five women and one in seven men who have experienced rape, intimate-partner stalking or physical violence first experienced some form of intimate partner violence between the ages of 11 and 17. That means that protecting youth is especially critical.

"Parents need to teach their kids early about a healthy confidence and self-awareness," Frysz said. "Kids need to see their parents modeling good behavior.
"Think about what you want for your child - pass on what your parents did right. And if there's something you were taught that you don't want for your child and you don't know another option, ask someone. All the resources at Family Advocacy are free."

Richardson emphasized the importance of open communication with kids.

"They have their own internal world," she said. "They need to know they can tell you anything and it's safe. Abusers use tactics like 'Don't tell or I'll kill your family' to try to hide the abuse. It's a huge protective factor, being able to talk to parents."

Being involved in a child's life is also important, Frysz said.

"There are people who know your kid," she said. "Teachers know your kid. Lunch ladies know your kid.

They are resources - along with your kids' friends. If something happens, often the first thing a child does is tell a friend."

She emphasized not getting emotional when a child tells something upsetting; it only escalates the stress and makes the child less likely to talk the next time.

"The best thing is to listen. If you're getting irritated, it's better to listen and not speak."
It's not always easy, Richardson said.

"It's uncomfortable. There are hard, gritty issues, but it has to be done - what kind of world do we want? We're trying to change the culture.

"In the 70s, smoking was everywhere. In a restaurant, if I asked someone to not smoke next to me, they'd probably have blown smoke in my face. Now, there's no smoking in restaurants - and even if there was, the same question would get an apology and the person would move away. The culture has changed."