Arm your teen against dating violence Published Jan. 31, 2013 By Chris McCann JBER Public Affairs JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, Alaska -- No one likes the thought of a loved one being in an abusive relationship. But if that loved one is your teenage child, that can be even worse. Teen dating violence is a problem that isn't going away. In fact, teendvmonth.org states one in three young people experiences some form of dating abuse. This can be physical, sexual, verbal or emotional, or even digital - checking text messages or e-mail without permission or constant texting. "We're getting more involved with the younger population," said Jennifer Frysz, a Family Advocacy Program outreach team member. "Getting involved is pertinent and we have a responsibility to do it now, so in the future, if they're predisposed to abusive relationships, there's a better prognosis for dating." "Children raised in violent homes tend to recreate that dynamic in their own homes," said Verna Loosli, also of the outreach team. "If (abuse) is how you deal with frustration or how you get your needs met, it puts your child at risk. Obviously, many people choose to go not do that - but it is a risk factor. The cycle tends to repeat, so if you get in and educate, that helps." Education includes making sure teens know what is and is not okay in a relationship. Put-downs, extreme jealousy or insecurity, explosive temper, and being isolated or told what to do should be red flags. Constant accusations, any physical violence, or possessiveness should also be warned. Texting is a gray area, Frysz conceded. Many teens text a lot - so it's up to a parent to keep on top of whether it's just "hey, what's up?" sense or a significant other's controlling "where are you and what are you doing?" "Teens do a lot by themselves, but they need support. And they need to learn to stand up to bullying even in relationships; if a friend's significant other says 'don't wear that,' they can tell that friend that things like that are not okay. Everyone in the circle of friends takes responsibility We need to empower teens to stand up when they see an unhealthy relationship and to stand up for themselves," Frysz said. "The (Department of Health and Social Services) has done studies about Alaska," Frysz said. "There's a high rate of assaults, and of teenage obesity. Low self-image can be a risk for abuse as well." Looking at it holistically in that way - resiliency relies on multiple aspects, and we can help teens build resiliency in younger years. Resiliency isn't just for military people." Dating violence among teens isn't the primary lane for the team. "It should be that parents model relationships, but teens are separating from their parents, and their peers give them information. Parents tend to pull back when kids are this age." "Teen brains aren't fully developed; you have to stay connected," Loosli said. A teenager's brain is developing rapidly, however. "They're going through an intense process," Frysz said. "People think teens just sleep a lot and forget stuff. There are huge changes going on in the brain that people interpret as them being lazy or using drugs, but they're huge important processes that get mislabeled." Emotional development comes from relationships, for better or for worse, Frysz said. Victims of teen domestic violence may skip school, get in fights, binge drink, or even attempt suicide. The risk goes up with teens who use alcohol or drugs, or have violent peers or multiple sexual partners. Depressed teens or those with a lack of supervision or parental support, or who have a history of family violence or a history of abuse, are also at higher risk. "Parents are the number one influence on teens," Frysz said. "Peers are second, and number three is media. The messages we give kids are what they'll do, so we can link them to adequate support and remove the stigma. We can provide support for parents so they model good behavior." Media is also important. "Watch and listen to things with your kids," Loosli said. "Talk about song lyrics. If you come down on them, you shut down the lines of communication. But you can be a lifeline." "Don't react emotionally," Frysz said. "Be calm and approachable. The less emotion you put into it, the more they'll take away from it." "Lectures and emotions are not going to end up giving you what you want," said outreach team member Diann Richardson. The more parents are involved, the less likely teens will be to make bad decisions." To augment that, the outreach team his hosting classes at Bartlett High School and Eagle River High School, as well as with the Alaska Military Youth Academy. There will also be chances for teens to interact with them and find information at the JBER hospital, Arctic Oasis, and other venues on base. "Teens do what we show them," Frysz said. "It may not seem like they're atching or paying attention, but they are. Words have an impact, but actions are bigger." The most important thing for teens to remember is adults are available to assist anytime, and it's alright to say 'no' and refuse to be a bystander, Loosli said. Family Advocacy is offering a four-week class in "Active Parenting of Teens" beginning Tuesday in room A37 of Building 600, from 1:30 p.m. to 4:30. They also offer one-hour "Teen Talk" sessions for teens as well as many other classes. For more information, call 580-5858.