WEBVTT 00:00.180 --> 00:04.139 I am a NC Hannah Roberson . I am 00:04.150 --> 00:07.619 an intelligence analyst and I work in 00:07.630 --> 00:11.399 the third oss . My name is 00:11.409 --> 00:14.399 Technical Sergeant Caleb Wood . I'm a 00:14.409 --> 00:17.440 calm guy . So Curiel is one Delta seven 00:17.510 --> 00:20.829 X one Alpha Quebec 00:21.180 --> 00:23.840 and I'm assigned to Air Force uh staff . 00:27.280 --> 00:31.069 Um So in about two months , we'll be 00:31.079 --> 00:34.150 marking the first year um 00:34.810 --> 00:38.560 living without my mom , she committed 00:38.569 --> 00:42.250 suicide while I was in tech 00:42.259 --> 00:44.459 school about like my last two weeks of 00:44.470 --> 00:48.060 tech school um and 00:48.380 --> 00:51.069 got the call when I got home from class 00:51.159 --> 00:53.770 and it was my mom's best friend on the 00:53.779 --> 00:56.459 phone crying and telling me that my mom 00:56.470 --> 00:59.549 was gone . It's really hard adjusting 00:59.560 --> 01:02.240 to life without your mom , especially 01:02.680 --> 01:06.580 with the intensity and how 01:06.589 --> 01:10.589 she left me and everyone . Um 01:11.339 --> 01:15.190 She struggled with bipolar disorder and 01:15.370 --> 01:17.599 among a few different things , she was 01:17.610 --> 01:20.610 a veteran herself . It's hard 01:20.739 --> 01:24.040 because um 01:24.720 --> 01:28.489 it's hard to tell someone what to do or 01:28.599 --> 01:31.040 if they're experiencing those thoughts , 01:31.069 --> 01:34.260 how to solve what's going on because 01:34.459 --> 01:36.626 there's no right answer and there's no 01:36.626 --> 01:39.160 direct path . Everyone's experience is 01:39.169 --> 01:42.639 so personal and it's , every situation 01:42.650 --> 01:45.569 is different . You can't tell one 01:45.580 --> 01:47.802 person the same thing you're gonna tell 01:47.802 --> 01:51.730 another person . And I would just , if 01:51.739 --> 01:53.795 my mom were here right now , I would 01:53.795 --> 01:55.739 make sure to tell her how much she 01:55.739 --> 01:59.550 means to me and how every 01:59.559 --> 02:03.110 moment was worth it in that I would 02:03.279 --> 02:05.389 give anything to fight with her one 02:05.400 --> 02:07.622 more time . Get the silent treatment or 02:07.622 --> 02:09.733 anything because that , that wouldn't 02:09.733 --> 02:12.240 mean she was still here with me . Find 02:12.250 --> 02:14.500 someone that will tell you how much 02:14.759 --> 02:16.815 you're worth if you're having a hard 02:16.815 --> 02:18.426 time finding that yourself . 02:23.419 --> 02:26.990 So I don't have anything hugely 02:27.000 --> 02:28.910 like nobody was affected , 02:31.270 --> 02:33.214 nobody near me was affected . This 02:33.214 --> 02:35.270 wasn't a case of like someone I know 02:35.270 --> 02:37.603 committed suicide or whatever like that . 02:37.603 --> 02:37.559 It's more of a personal thing for me 02:37.770 --> 02:41.529 for sort of like an exit sign . It 02:41.539 --> 02:43.539 was , there was something , there's 02:43.539 --> 02:45.650 always in the background , not really 02:45.650 --> 02:47.650 like a something that I , I had the 02:47.880 --> 02:50.047 somewhere I always wanted to go . It's 02:50.047 --> 02:52.269 just a case of like , it's always there 02:52.269 --> 02:54.213 in the background . It's always an 02:54.213 --> 02:56.213 option , but it never got quite bad 02:56.213 --> 02:58.669 enough for me to go . And I thought 02:58.679 --> 03:01.179 about suicide for probably like the 03:01.190 --> 03:03.600 last 10 , 15 , 20 years of my life , 03:03.610 --> 03:05.777 which is probably not the most healthy 03:05.777 --> 03:09.610 thing , but it wasn't up until the last , 03:09.619 --> 03:11.860 probably three years of being at this 03:11.869 --> 03:14.240 assignment where I actually went and 03:14.250 --> 03:16.361 got help and addressed issues and got 03:16.361 --> 03:18.589 drugs and all that sort of thing to try 03:18.600 --> 03:21.000 and address the underlying problems 03:21.009 --> 03:24.970 there . So I , I've 03:24.979 --> 03:27.399 always had underlying issues probably 03:27.979 --> 03:30.146 since I joined and I'm not really good 03:30.146 --> 03:32.479 at coping with things for the most part , 03:32.479 --> 03:34.090 but I was always able to get 03:34.090 --> 03:36.312 satisfaction on the job and like what I 03:36.312 --> 03:38.423 was doing , achieving things , fixing 03:38.423 --> 03:38.380 things , whatever as a calm guy . So 03:38.389 --> 03:40.460 router switches , that was my jam , 03:40.669 --> 03:42.836 fixing things , making things work and 03:42.836 --> 03:45.500 making things work for people and be 03:45.509 --> 03:47.669 able to do their job . But getting to 03:47.679 --> 03:49.623 this assignment , it wasn't what I 03:49.623 --> 03:52.639 expected or what I was wanting . And I 03:52.649 --> 03:54.871 wasn't able to get job satisfaction the 03:54.871 --> 03:56.538 same way I was in my previous 03:56.538 --> 04:00.279 assignments , which uh sucks . But 04:00.610 --> 04:02.443 it's also , it was a blessing in 04:02.443 --> 04:05.740 disguise because I was able to get what 04:05.750 --> 04:07.972 I needed to get the help I needed . And 04:07.972 --> 04:10.139 that , that , that little last push of 04:10.139 --> 04:12.139 not enjoying the job and not having 04:12.139 --> 04:14.028 that to fall back on and actually 04:14.028 --> 04:16.139 having to figure out how to take care 04:16.139 --> 04:18.250 of myself and figure out like healthy 04:18.250 --> 04:20.417 coping habits and that kind of stuff , 04:20.417 --> 04:22.472 which was fantastic . But again , it 04:22.472 --> 04:24.695 was , it was darkness for the dawn kind 04:24.695 --> 04:26.639 of stuff and pushed me in the dirt 04:26.639 --> 04:26.200 before I was able to figure out what I 04:26.209 --> 04:28.042 wanted to do and how to , how to 04:28.410 --> 04:31.049 healthily cope with things rather than 04:31.059 --> 04:33.929 just having the big sad all the time . 04:35.700 --> 04:38.149 I will always say that it's better to 04:38.160 --> 04:41.859 be healthy and lose access to job stuff 04:41.869 --> 04:45.070 than it is to just keep trucking along , 04:45.079 --> 04:48.089 having a bad time . And no , I'll just 04:48.100 --> 04:50.267 get through it , I'll get through it , 04:50.267 --> 04:52.489 I'll get through it , whatever . And it 04:52.489 --> 04:54.600 kind of , it wears away at you and it 04:54.600 --> 04:53.959 drags you down every little while and 04:53.970 --> 04:56.026 there's only so much of that you can 04:57.850 --> 04:59.906 just find someone you feel safe with 04:59.906 --> 05:02.072 and talk to them because it's going to 05:02.072 --> 05:04.239 be ok . And that's something that's so 05:04.239 --> 05:06.350 hard to understand in the moment when 05:06.350 --> 05:08.461 you really want to leave is that it's 05:08.461 --> 05:10.461 going to be ok and there are people 05:10.461 --> 05:12.299 that love you and 05:14.019 --> 05:16.241 tomorrow is very beautiful . You know , 05:16.320 --> 05:18.209 it's just hard to see that in the 05:18.209 --> 05:21.200 moment and I don't know what to exactly 05:21.209 --> 05:23.609 say to someone other than , like , stay 05:23.750 --> 05:27.570 and choose yourself and keep 05:27.579 --> 05:31.250 going and it's never wrong to get 05:31.260 --> 05:33.619 help because , um , 05:36.089 --> 05:38.200 I promise you if you don't think it's 05:38.200 --> 05:39.000 going to affect someone , it will .