JOINT BASE ELMENDORF-RICHARDSON, Alaska —
The Irish legend of "kissing the stone" is so well known that Blarney Castle receives an annual 300,000 visitors - many of whom seek the gift of gab. The Stone of Eloquence, which is precariously placed on the underside of the tower's parapet, is said to magically grant the kisser the Irish ability to flatter with both subtle humor and wit.
To actually kiss the stone requires much courage and some acrobatics as the kisser must lie on his back and trust a partner to hold his legs while his upper torso is exposed to a ninety foot abyss. "Kiss the stone," it is said, "and you'll never be lost for words."
Is such a risk worth it? (I mean, if it weren't just a legend.) Would I chance a fatal fall to gain mastery over words?
You bet I would.
Many times every day, I find myself wishing I had just the right words for the moment, and yet I am fearful that my words will be mistaken and misunderstood. There are other times when I think back on what I have said during the day and find that it was lacking - lacking graciousness, not seasoned with the salt of the gospel (Colossians 4:6), and not conducive to building relationships.
So yes, I would kiss the stone, but unfortunately it is only a legend and I do not possess an airline ticket to Ireland.
What I do possess is a memory of words my pastor would often repeat "Before we speak we need to think... T.H.I.N.K. We need to ask ourselves five questions."
And then my pastor would lay out for us the five questions that could test our speech, and which he knew would radically reduce the number of conflicts and drama in our lives and lead to better and more fulfilling relationships.
The "T" stands for "true." The first thing I need to ask myself is: is what I am saying true?
So much of what we are tempted to say consists of half-truths or gossip that is really camouflage for-and misdirection away from -our own insecurities. The Bible says "For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases" (Proverbs 26:20).
The "H" stands for "helpful." Is what I am saying helpful?
Unfortunately, the content of speech is often weighed solely on the basis of truth. But it is not always helpful to verbalize truth.
That is why the Bible says, "A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense" (Proverbs 19:11). When I desire to flare back with truth against the bearer of my snub, the Lord reminds me that truth needs to be chaperoned by what is helpful.
The "I" stands for "inspirational." Will my words encourage my listeners?
I heard a college professor once say, "The highest form of speech is talking about ideas; the lowest is speaking about people." His point is that gossip will make us feel like we've been HAZMAT diving, but the discussion of ideas engages the pre-frontal cortex and awakens positive emotions within us. Ideas focus us on what could be. These types of conversations leave everybody feeling good.
The "N" stands for "necessary." Is it necessary to speak about certain topics?
The Apostle Paul writes, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear" (Ephesians 4:29). If a topic does not edify everyone involved, do I really need to bring it up?
And finally the "K" stands for kind. Are my words kind?
Short of kissing a magic stone, kindness has the most powerful effect in easing tensions and of winning people over. And as Mother Theresa observed, "Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."